Q: I’m about to go to dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. We have been in a relationship for about three months and both of her parents are cops. What do I wear and how do I impress her parents?
A: Slide your hand down your face and make sure that you are real. Then break a small mirror over your head and look at the pieces that are on the ground. If they are there, you are probably grounded in reality and not someone else’s life. Adorn your body with small fruits and foliage. Immediately afterwards put on a shirt and tie, perchance a sweater, and make sure not to disturb the fruit and foliage on your body. If you are serious about this girl, act as though you are happy to be there and do nothing else. If you aren’t serious, act as though you are a dating website profile. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.